I think I am falling in love again, and I dread it like an infectious disease.
The person I have come close is a married person - well, this is my speciality - I seem to attract all the nerds, the fools and on the top, married men. Well, the person is, for a change, good-looking - I was tired of going out with pot-bellied or skinny persons, so this makes a welcome change.
We are in the same profession, and I had hardly looked up at him until he got hold of my number and called me. After lots of intellectual duels, we became friends.
He is married in name. His wife does not reside with him. However, that does not rule out the fact that he is married. He is not willing to divorce his wife, at least, not at this stage. I don't know about the future.
We have been good friends. I have gone out on date with him on several occasions and found him very caring and attentive. He has introduced me to his group and together we have had a few get-togethers, which I highly enjoyed.
Then,gradually, he asked me,"would you like to have sex with me?" in writing, it seems so crude, isn't it? I was also surprised to hear him. What! could he be serious? At first I just turned him down. However, months of deprivation, added to it was the fact that he is damned good-looking, couldn't hold me out for long, and I soon found myself having fantasy with him. It was not before the dream turned into reality.
I am not a novice with respect to sex. I have sex with various partners. But sex with him is quite different. I won't say that he is a Sex-God, no, of course. In fact, his knowledge of sex is much to be desired. But the fact remains that he is caring, or........I don't know what it is, but sex with him is very different compared to all my partners. That did it. I found myself thinking of him. All the time.
Coming to think of it, only sex is not the matter. The fact remains that after sex, we talk to each other, and I have gradually got to know the person. He seems to be a practical guy, not easily giving up to his emotions. He would never hurt you willingly. He has the coolest mind - a quality that I adore. He has personality. Women swoon over him. He understands me a little, and always takes care to protect me.
His practical mind dissuades him from confessing his love for me - a fact that I have come to know. But his eyes say it all.
And my practical mind dissuades me from speaking out my love for him. Because, whats the use? we shall never be able to lead our lives together. As long as his wife refrains from filing divorce case. Not that he is willing to divorce. He seems to enjoy the complex life that he is leading.
It is not that I am desperate of marying him. No, in fact, I don't want to marry at all. I just want him to stand by my side. Forever. At the present condition, he could go away anytime he likes. I want him to stay by my side - ALWAYS, FOREVER. This cannot be achieved so easily.
I do not want myself to be tagged with him in public. Our colleagues are not nice people at all. They would make a story out of the relationship, which would affect my parents. Besides, I refuse to be treated as somebody's "mistress" like many other unwed women in our profession.
Thats why I hate myself for getting mentally involved with him. He has nothing to lose. But I have to lose my prestige, my reputation, and my parents' wrath if I continue my relationship with him.
Shall have to think of a way to come out of this unfruitful relationship.
